15 things that happen once you are a momma!

I barely have time to scratch my cute little misplaced butt! But, I had to pen down my thoughts. So I did and probably will post it unedited. Now, don’t point out grammar mistakes and typos. Cut me some slack.

Below are 15 things, out of the million other things, that happen once you are a momma!

1. For the first few days, you concentrate on not harming the baby, intentionally or accidentally.
2. You feel like a cow and smell like milk. If you sweat at night, you will also smell like curd. I am waiting for the time when I start smelling like cottage cheese. I hope it at least smells like my favorite flavor. That would be some concession. Bath and Body Works, you let me down this time!
3. You start doing everything in fast forward mode. If you were a slow eater before, don’t you worry, you will start nibbling your food in record time once you are a momma. Mind you, it is not confined only to your meal time. It is applicable to your time doing chores, bath time and even your time on the pot!
4. Your husband starts looking like a huge pumpkin head. After our baby was born, I realized that my husband was looking different to me. His head seemed to look larger than it was before. I, then, realized it was because I spend most of my time looking at a tiny baby head that everything in comparison looks bigger.
5. Your reading mostly consists of reading parenting books and blogs, story books for kids, or articles relating to baby behavior. Yes, you will start reading the story books emoting the characters in the book. It is an involuntary behavior that will take years to correct.
6. How about social networking you ask? Of course, there will be social networking. Instead of Facebook, you network and discuss baby poop colors on forums like What to Expect and Baby Center.
7. You learn your nursery rhymes all over again, pen your own lyrics, sing songs in every voice and tone you know till your baby decides to sleep or stop crying. If you are lucky, that sleep will last 5 minutes. Our favorite song at home is Itsy Bitsy Spider. I don’t know if it helps my baby sleep, but it sure helps and motivates the spiders at home to climb the water spout time and again.
8. You smell and analyze your baby’s diapers for problems that do not exist. Diaper analysis is a real job!
9. You fuss about your baby not feeding enough, feeding too much, feeding causing gas, feeding this, feeding that, to your husband once he steps into the house from office.
10. You become good at monologues by talking to your baby who responds only by grunting or snorting or by pooping on you. Also, your friends have to bear your monologue about how difficult the delivery was and how you overcame it like an unsung hero. I do it all the time.
11. Your conversations at home revolves around everything the baby did or did not do during the day and your achievements for the day. Baby burped today -achievement unlocked. Baby didn’t spit up – achievement unlocked. I didn’t kill myself or murder anyone else –  achievement unlocked.
12. You click thousands of pictures a day and do not delete any of it because they all seem super cute. You also decide to share your joy with friends, who are least interested in it, by sharing it on Facebook and Instagram. God save my friends on my friend list.
13. You worry about your lemons turning into melons and also worry if they will ever turn back into lemons. The same goes with your tummy, waist, thighs, uterus, face, legs, arms, lady parts, teeth, eyes..oh well, basically all organs.
14. You write a post with the title saying “15 things that happen once you are a momma” and stop at 14 because you realize your baby is crying bloody murder while you are hastily typing a blog post on your phone at an unimaginable speed.
15. Really?!??!

Discretion : This blog post is a piece of exaggeration. No babies have been harmed in the process. Do not send child services over. I love my daughter. 🙂

This post first appeared here.