Though I don’t like to admit it, my miscarriage rocked my world in more ways than I thought even possible. One of those impacts happened in the bedroom and it almost ruined my marriage.
What people don’t tell you about a miscarriage is that it can really make you feel inadequate in many ways and it made me feel like I was hardly a woman. Women are made to have babies and my body couldn’t even do that right. I let it eat me to the point of my isolating myself and even after the go ahead from the doctor to resume an intimate relationship I refused for the longest time. When we did start again it was so robotic and boring. I didn’t like to be touched anymore and didn’t feel well about it. Then came the time to start trying again and every month was a disappointment leading me to more depression, isolation and intimacy was a chore. Literally a chore. I would look at my fertility chart, tell Lawrence the days we had to be intimate and that was the extent of it. Sometimes even then we didn’t.
I became so consumed with having a baby that I forgot the people I had in my life: namely my husband. I forgot what it was like to make love with no attachments. To feel loved with no attachments. To let nature take its course and feel and give love again. I let my miscarriage take that away from me.
The saddest thing about this is that I didn’t start realizing this until recently. We had the ectopic pregnancy in early November and for some reason it didn’t ruin my marriage, it opened my eyes to this terrible mistake I was making. It made me realize that a baby isn’t worth my marriage and that I need to love what I do have all the more. With two babies in heaven and Benjamin already 5 I don’t know that it is even in the cards for me to even want to try to have another baby. Of course it would be a joyous experience but I know that since I let this go I have been free of that control issue of having to have another baby or being miserable. I literally let this consume me to the point of ruining the love in my marriage and let’s all face is, intimacy is great.
Life is a lesson meant to be learned and I hope that this story helps anyone struggling with infertility or keeping a pregnancy realize that yes children are amazing, but don’t let it consume your life or ruin your marriage. The love a husband and a wife CAN share is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Enjoy it and take advantage of the fact that you have that in your life.
