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Especially after a long day. You worked all day. You pick up two tired kids at daycare and then of one of the next 5 things are said…lets just say mommy dearest gets irrationally angry.

1. What can I do to help?

Answer nothing. You shouldn’t ask you should just do it. There is nothing more infuriating then walking in with two cranky kids and asking what should I do? Uh duh. Take a kid and open the bottle of wine.

2. I was just going to (insert whatever super important thing you consider to be top priority here).

Listen. Don’t say I was about to. Apologize to the crazy woman with messy hair in front of you and then do it.

3. How was your day?

When I’m clearly tired and enraged – why ask about my day? Again open the bottle of wine and hand me a glass. Also take one of the crying babies. This is a man-to-man defense not a zone.

4. Don’t forget (insert something that is actually important and you did forget but at the time you don’t want to hear it).

I mean I forget things like all the time. I just don’t want to hear it when I’m trying to get some semblance of a meal on the table.

5. Anything other than this dinner that is overcooked is the best thing I’ve ever eaten and you look beautiful. I know spouses don’t read minds. But I think those two phrases are the only two that should be uttered on a weeknight.

I still don’t have my glass of wine. And I should probably tell him that the defrosting on the chicken he did was the best and he looks handsome.

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