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In need of a good laugh? It’s amazing how comedy has a way of helping us realize that we all go through some of the same stuff in this crazy world. Brighten your day with these funny quotes, and brighten the day of a friend by sharing it with them.

1. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
— Rita Rudner

2. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
— Jack Handey

3. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
— Mitch Hedberg

4. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
— Unknown

5. “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” – Mae West

6. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” – Mark Twain

7. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner

8. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner

9. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
— Phyllis Diller

10. ““Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.'” — Anonymous

11. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.'”
— Steven Wright

12. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel

13. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Anonymous

14. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” — Anonymous

15. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton

16. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

17. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

18. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
— Jay Leno

19. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
— Anonymous

20. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
— Anonymous

21. “Woke up today. It was terrible.” — Grumpy Cat

22. “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck

23. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” — Oscar Wilde

24. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey

25. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Noel Coward

26. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

27. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” — Theodore Roosevelt

28. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams

29. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” — Katharine Hepburn

30. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” — Betty White

31. “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard

32. “I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” — Bertrand Russell

33. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?” — Steven Wright

34. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” – Erma Bombeck

35. “Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” – Erma Bombeck

36. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov

37. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” — Dave Barry

38. “To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.” – Jean-Luc Godard

39. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” – Don Marquis

40. “I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.” – Walt Whitman

41. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

42. “As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.” – Calvin Trillin

43. “Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.” – Ronald Reagan

44. “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

45. “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” – Woody Allen

46. “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.” — MEME about Shaquille O’Neal

47. “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”
— Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

48. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

49. “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

50. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” – Joan Rivers

51. “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” – Milton Berle

52. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?” —Neil DeGrasse Tyson

53. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson

54. “I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” – Charles M. Schulz

55. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” — Anonymous

56. “I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” – Gloria Steinem

57. “What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.” – Jerome K. Jerome

58. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” — Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters

59. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall

60. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

61. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.” – George Carlin

62. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“I love to go to Washington DC – if only to be near my money.” – Bob Hope

63. “I love to go to Washington DC – if only to be near my money.” – Bob Hope

64. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld

65. “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” – Billy Connolly

66. “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. Douglas Adams” –

67. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford

68. “I’m thankful for the three-ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.” – Paula Poundstone

69. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller

70. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” — Rod Stewart

71. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” — Dorothy Parker

72. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

73. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” — Dennis Miller

“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.” — Kate Davis

74. “Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.” — Kate Davis

75. ““If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” — Phil Pastoret

76. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” — Oscar Wilde

77. “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” — Quentin Crisp

78. “Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” — Tom Snyder

“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” — Dave Barry

79. “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” — Dave Barry

80. Police officer: “Pull over.”
Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”
— Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber

81. “All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.” — Steve Martin, Sgt. Bilko

82. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz

83. ““If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” — Judith Martin

84. “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” — George Will

85. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” — Albert Einstein

86. “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'” — Dave Barry

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” -Ann Landers

87. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” -Ann Landers

88. “Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield

89. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield

90. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”
— Anonymous

91. “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.” – Saul Bellow

92. “Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.” – Sam Levenson

93. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W. C. Fields

94. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
— Mark Twain

95. “Only the mediocre are always at their best.” – Jean Giraudoux

96. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

97. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin

98. “An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.” – George Jean Nathan

99. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

100. “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.” — Anonymous

 

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