In need of a good laugh? It’s amazing how comedy has a way of helping us realize that we all go through some of the same stuff in this crazy world. Brighten your day with these funny quotes, and brighten the day of a friend by sharing it with them.
1. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
— Rita Rudner
2. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
— Jack Handey
3. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
— Mitch Hedberg
4. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
— Unknown
5. “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” – Mae West
6. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” – Mark Twain
7. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
8. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
9. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
— Phyllis Diller
10. ““Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.'” — Anonymous
11. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.'”
— Steven Wright
12. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel
13. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Anonymous
14. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” — Anonymous
15. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton
16. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
17. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm
18. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
— Jay Leno
19. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin
“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
— Anonymous
20. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
— Anonymous
21. “Woke up today. It was terrible.” — Grumpy Cat
22. “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck
23. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” — Oscar Wilde
24. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey
25. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Noel Coward
26. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
27. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” — Theodore Roosevelt
28. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams
29. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” — Katharine Hepburn
30. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” — Betty White
31. “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard
32. “I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” — Bertrand Russell
33. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?” — Steven Wright
34. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” – Erma Bombeck
35. “Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.” – Erma Bombeck
36. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov
37. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” — Dave Barry
38. “To be or not to be. That’s not really a question.” – Jean-Luc Godard
39. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” – Don Marquis
40. “I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.” – Walt Whitman
41. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny
42. “As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.” – Calvin Trillin
43. “Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.” – Ronald Reagan
44. “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine
45. “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” – Woody Allen
46. “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.” — MEME about Shaquille O’Neal
47. “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”
— Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
48. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
49. “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
50. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” – Joan Rivers
51. “You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.” – Milton Berle
52. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?” —Neil DeGrasse Tyson
53. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson
54. “I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” – Charles M. Schulz
55. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” — Anonymous
56. “I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” – Gloria Steinem
57. “What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.” – Jerome K. Jerome
58. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” — Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
59. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall
60. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
61. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.” – George Carlin
62. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“I love to go to Washington DC – if only to be near my money.” – Bob Hope
63. “I love to go to Washington DC – if only to be near my money.” – Bob Hope
64. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld
65. “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” – Billy Connolly
66. “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. Douglas Adams” –
67. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford
68. “I’m thankful for the three-ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.” – Paula Poundstone
69. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
70. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” — Rod Stewart
71. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” — Dorothy Parker
72. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
73. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” — Dennis Miller
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.” — Kate Davis
74. “Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.” — Kate Davis
75. ““If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.” — Phil Pastoret
76. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” — Oscar Wilde
77. “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” — Quentin Crisp
78. “Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” — Tom Snyder
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” — Dave Barry
79. “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” — Dave Barry
80. Police officer: “Pull over.”
Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”
— Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber
81. “All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.” — Steve Martin, Sgt. Bilko
82. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz
83. ““If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” — Judith Martin
84. “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” — George Will
85. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” — Albert Einstein
86. “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'” — Dave Barry
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” -Ann Landers
87. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” -Ann Landers
88. “Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield
89. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield
90. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”
— Anonymous
91. “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.” – Saul Bellow
92. “Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.” – Sam Levenson
93. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W. C. Fields
94. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
— Mark Twain
95. “Only the mediocre are always at their best.” – Jean Giraudoux
96. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz
97. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
98. “An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.” – George Jean Nathan
99. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns
100. “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.” — Anonymous
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